Blog Post

Home is not just a place; it’s a feeling

Silvia Bauer • Mar 15, 2024

From Roots to Relationships: Crafting the Concept of Home

I have just moved my private practice. Although it’s not been very far, and I haven’t moved any furniture, it hasn’t been the easiest step for me to take. Moving houses brings up a lot of associations – and I assume not just for me, as there are plenty of sayings about the meaning of home. Besides obviously “home sweet home," the idea “home is not just a place, it’s a feeling” really hit home for me. Indeed, it is a feeling, and this “feeling of home” doesn’t necessarily have to be connected to the outside place, but just like any other feeling, it needs to be taken care of and be nourished. And well, some places are more in line with our feeling of home than others.


I’ve had my private practice in the same place since 2018, and I quite liked it. You may have seen the fabulous view from the top roof in the heart of Vienna. There was nothing wrong with it, and when the new place popped into my awareness, I couldn’t pinpoint what made me decide to move, despite certainly many apparent facts that weren’t in line with my experience.


“On ne voit bien avec le coer, l’essentielle est invisible pour les yeux” / “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye” (Antoine de Saint-Exupery).

This quote moved me inside and out. It’s only been a week, and there have already been moments when my heart felt like coming home. I suppose the smallest one was that the supermarket nearby sells shortbread.

Navigating the Complexities of Home: Finding Sanctuary Amidst Difficult Experiences

I assume you wouldn’t be reading my blog if you couldn’t relate to struggles around the concept of home. What if your experience of home wasn’t sweet at all? What if it was cold, violent, or just lost? If that’s what you relate to, hang in there; it’s my cause of writing and certainly my experience. When you share those difficult experiences of home, it can be hard to discern between what you’re used to and what you want to feel moving forward. Just too easily, we get caught up by miserable but very familiar feelings, and the past feeling of home turns out to be a trap. That’s why I’m making it a topic. That’s why I want you to make it a topic and become aware of the difference between choosing and creating a home and adapting to what feels familiar without considering potential side effects. 


As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs about cultural differences – there’s nothing right or wrong about tea or coffee, about sun or rain, shortbread or Toffifee, but very much can be right or wrong about the way people value and accept each other unconditionally or not. If your experiences of home in the past don’t bring up the best memories, it’s most likely connected to the latter rather than the tiny details like the color of the walls. So, if you’re looking to find a home, I suggest looking out for a feeling of being safe, being accepted unconditionally and keeping it down to earth—a place where you feel like “they like me as I am”. And I guess that’s the point where the meaning of home turns into a feeling that’s unrelated to former—maybe not so brilliant—real-life experiences of home.


Now, we know what to do if you don’t have the best idea of home – but what if there’s just not any place you could imagine feeling at home?


How do you create a place that is considered home? 

This might be the most normal experience for you, and honestly, you don’t know why you’re reading about this at all. Maybe because you know me, and so it’s nice being an interested person, right? But maybe you could hardly commit to one place where you feel at home. For the sake of ease of mind and pleasing others, you call your current place of living home, but honestly, you don’t feel like it. Maybe airports or any international place feel more like home to you than anything else. If so, you’re not alone. There are plenty of people out there who don’t feel like belonging to one particular place or culture. It’s the curse and blessing of 3rd culture kids.


And even if it’s currently hard for you to find the place you feel at home, remember, home is not just a place; it’s a feeling. That means you’re very capable of finding a home within yourself, no matter which outside place you choose. Many somatic-oriented folks talk about finding a feeling of home in your body. Yes, I guess that’s part of it; if you dislike your inner place to be, it’s hard to find a better space on the outside—and yet it’s not exactly what I’m talking about. I mean a place in the outside world where you feel like you belong, just right, and you’d feel sad if you had to leave it. I suppose it’s very connected to a sense of belonging—being seen and welcomed for who we are. And most likely, we experienced this feeling in a specific place with special people. Over time, we might associate good memories with the place, and if we can bring all of us into this place, that’s where the feeling of home comes from. It’s not a matter of time or location, but rather a feeling of being accepted unconditionally.

The good news about this perspective is that you can find it just about anywhere. It’s more a matter of associating relational experiences with a physical space. I’d love to ask you if you have ever experienced this type of belonging and safety. 


It can’t be seen, and if you know my counselling room, it looks very empty apart from not straight acoustic panel squares on the wall and my obligatory houseplant, but within lives this spirit of home. I’m growing it every day and in between sessions, I open the window so that it gets some oxygen. No, I’m joking.  But I have this feeling, and I suppose I pass it on to you between the lines because it all depends on the people who invite you in.

Who is allowed in your home?

Having said that, are you careful about the people you invite into your home? Well, I am. I ask them to take off their shoes – as you might know in 20 different languages by now. It helps us to feel more grounded and natural, besides keeping the floor clean. Those practicalities are just metaphors for our experiences. So, yes, I invite people in as long as they respect my home. They value and care for it, and therefore they are the most welcome guests. And those qualities are mandatory for being invited in. 


Conclusion

In the journey of exploring the meaning of home, it becomes evident that home transcends mere physicality; it embodies a profound feeling of belonging and acceptance. As I navigate through the process of moving my private practice, I realize that home is not just a place but a sentiment that requires nurturing and care. Despite the challenges and uncertainties of finding or creating a home, it is essential to recognize that home resides within oneself and can be manifested in any external environment where unconditional acceptance prevails. 


Reflecting on personal experiences and cultural differences, it becomes apparent that the essence of home lies in the connections we forge with others and the sense of belonging we cultivate. Whether rooted in a specific location or within ourselves, the feeling of home emanates from genuine relationships and mutual respect. 


As we think about the significance of home, it is crucial to consider who we invite into our lives and spaces. By surrounding ourselves with individuals who honour and cherish our home, we reinforce its spirit and create a nurturing environment for personal growth and fulfillment. 


In conclusion, the quest for home is multifaceted. Still, by embracing the complexities and valuing authentic connections, we can embark on a journey of discovering a home that’s not just a place but rather a feeling.

Do you sacrifice your inner compass to fit in?

by Silvia Bauer • 26 Apr, 2024
It’s not just about us, but what makes us orient in the world goes back over generations

The impact of disintegrated cultural identities on relationships

by Silvia Bauer • 27 Feb, 2024
For most of my clients (including myself), cultural integration isn’t an obvious topic in everyday life. We’re fitting in and are used to belonging to one or the other community – usually not at the same time. It looks like one day – or even moment – we have one cultural identity and the next day another. We’re adapted either way and that’s just the way it is. It looks needless to give it another thought . . . Unfortunately, there are shiny moments that suddenly arise out of the blue and give a little painful stitch right into the heart. It’s a friend who completely forgot that most of the people outside are speaking German. And it can be a comment on my accent that keeps coming up. On such occasions, I feel slightly inadequate, I notice that there’s a part of me not seen by most people, even forgotten by my dearest friends. Looks like I’m well-integrated. Do you relate to and recognize those moments in your life when the second part of your cultural identity knocks at the door? If so, something is waiting to be integrated. And to make it even more confusing there’s a funny paradox between integration on the outside and inside yourself: the best-integrated people on the outside have many times chosen a shortcut and adapted to the cost of leaving parts of their cultural heritage behind.

Navigating Cultural Integration: Embracing the Seemingly Small Details

by Silvia Bauer • 10 Feb, 2024
Integration is a difficult topic one could easily get lost in. That’s why I want to take it to a more personal level. I’m talking about the seamless little details in everyday life, like drinking coffee or tea. Following up on them might lead us to a cultural and historical tradition like Vienna Coffee houses and English Tea time. Are you familiar with the struggles of juggling two diverse cultural traditions? The longing to belong to two (maybe even conflicting) cultures? If so, this blog is for you. And if, for whatever reason, it’s not so much your topic, but you’re close to a person with whom it resonates, chances are, you may benefit from understanding your person on a much deeper level.

The Struggle with Self-Expression: 'I Am Not Concise Enough'

by Silvia Bauer • 30 Jan, 2024
I Won’t Go Speechless by Princess Jasmine (Naomi Scott) Here comes a wave meant to wash me away A tide that is taking me under Swallowing sand, left with nothing to say My voice drowned out in the thunder But I won't cry And I won't start to crumble Whenever they try To shut me or cut me down I won't be silenced You can't keep me quiet Won't tremble when you try it All I know is I won't go speechless 'Cause I'll breathe When they try to suffocate me Don't you underestimate me 'Cause I know that I won't go speechless

I'm not enough

by Silvia Bauer • 27 Jan, 2024
Today, I’m talking about a very common topic. It’s more familiar in my daily life than my neighbours: I’m not enough. About every second client session, I get to meet with one of the countless varieties of this idea. One that I honestly relate to is “I’m not smart enough”. Two days ago one of my clients brought it up while reviewing the results of her cognitive ability diagnostics with an IQ above 130. The version I encountered yesterday was “I am not concise enough” and “I am too messy to speak up”. Do you relate to this next logical step as well? “I am too ... to be seen.” And therefore “honestly, I’m so not enough that I’m unlovable. I feel ashamed and better shut up.” What a sad and lonely place to be in. I feel so sorry for this kind of suffering and as well a bit fed up. I know and understand how hard it is for each and every one of us to deal with the feeling of not being ... enough. And looking at society I’m a bit upset about all the places that support ideas of not being strong/smart/hardworking/skinny/pretty/young..... enough. From this place, I would like to shout out and warn you “Be careful who you surround yourself with”. There are certainly some environments that benefit from people who don’t feel ...enough.

From Frustration to Intimacy: The Journey through Emotions in Relationships

by Silvia Bauer • 12 Jan, 2024
Hello and welcome to my blog on the role of emotions in relationships. Today, when I speak about relationships, I'm mainly focusing on our primary attachment relationships, commonly referred to as our partnerships or relationships with our spouses. However, you'll notice similar patterns in other profound relationships, where attachment behaviour becomes more evident. The depth of a relationship often amplifies our attachment behaviours, a phenomenon observed from early childhood and persists throughout our lives. It's crucial to understand that what may be perceived as “childish” behaviour is, in fact, inherently human. Have you ever noticed that some emotions make it easier to connect to your spouse than others? I assume that you are well aware that your partner either gets upset or shuts down when they feel criticized or annoyed. Maybe you’re also struggling with feeling ashamed at times and noticed that it leads you into a pretty lonely place. More often than not, when it comes to facing difficulties with our partners, we end up feeling shameful and are very much afraid of being lonely and left alone . And on the contrary, there is sadness as Disney Pixar elaborated in “Inside Out” which has the innate ability to bring people together and connect on an even deeper level. So, how come some emotions bring us together while others keep us in a lonely place? Well, each of them has their job to fulfil. I will expand on this below, and you’ll see why it’s worth doing some emotional work…

Navigating Trauma in Relationships: A Journey to Understanding and Healing

by Silvia Bauer • 21 Dec, 2023
The threads of trauma and their far-reaching impact on relationships can be complex and challenging to deal with. Whether you've been diagnosed with a trauma-related disorder, find yourself grappling with the weight of depression, or notice behavioural patterns hindering your connection with your emotions, this blog post is written for you. Have you ever felt concerned about how your struggles might cast a shadow on your relationship? Perhaps your partner has expressed frustration, dismissing the echoes of the past as irrelevant and labelling your reactions as "overreactions." In the realm of relationships, there exists a widely common pattern of a partner who turns away, leaving their significant other unseen in the wake of their trauma. Although they usually fear being faced with their loved one's painful emotions, being left behind by a significant other in their pain is a disconcerting experience for humans – no matter what age.

Discovering EMDR: An Introduction to an Exceptional Therapy

by Silvia Bauer • 05 Dec, 2023
Unveiling the Core Principles: Understanding EMDR Therapy EMDR is well-known and mainly researched for treating PTSD. It’s a trauma-confrontational method, and we help the brain rewire while integrating the traumatic experience. This help comes from those funny-looking movements, e.g., following the therapist’s moving finger. Although that’s the original way, we can also use bilateral sounds coming from headphones or small vibrating “Christmas trees” (they are green triangles that keep blinking). The modality itself doesn’t really matter, the brain just loves getting help from bilateral stimulation (BLS). Besides that, and most importantly, although it’s less well-known, there’s quite a process to set up the reprocessing in a way that encourages the mind to find its way.

Are you driving home for Christmas?

by Silvia Bauer • 17 Nov, 2023
Driving home for Christmas. This song came to mind recently. Firstly, I felt a bit old. And I remembered many times I have been – not driving – but flying home for Christmas. So will I this year. Nowadays, it comes across naturally, but there was a time when it was a challenge for me. That’s why this song stuck in my mind. Emotionally connected material sticks to the mind whether we like it or not. This can be an advantage for studying. It can be a curse for sad Christmas memories. So, in case you do have some considerations about where to spend Christmas, this blog is for you. In case you’re an Expat and are maybe living with your partner in Austria and your family is abroad, this might be a topic for you. Also, when you’re living not that far from your family but spending time with them has been challenging for other reasons, you might well consider some advanced-planning regarding how to spend the holiday season. So, let’s dive into typical considerations that come up while planning Christmas holidays, untangle them and clarify priorities. Sometimes looking at a topic from a different perspective is helpful, and some solutions pop up out of nowhere. Beyond this, I want to reassure you that many people are struggling with the Christmas season for various reasons, and you’re not alone. Although it’s such a merry and beautiful time from the outside, I sometimes wonder if it’s just been invented to collect and amplify all the relational struggles we carry around all year. I will dive into some common struggles you might identify with and outline them.

What types of therapy do you use?

by Silvia Bauer • 02 Nov, 2023
Have you ever wondered how Person-centred therapy and EMDR work together? Or would you rather like to know what your experience working with me will be like? Some perspectives in the world proclaim that person-centred therapy is just about talking. Some people call it talk therapy. Yes indeed, that’s basically what we do, and yet it’s a lot more. As this understanding of talk therapy sounds very limiting to me and I feel frustrated about it, I want to explain my position. Similarly, it’s very obvious to many people that EMDR is indicated for trauma. Wherever you ask, you’ll have heard that it’s the guideline treatment for PTSD. Again, that’s right. AND it can do so much more for us than treating single traumatic situations. So, if you’re wondering what types of therapy I apply that work for you – or even more importantly if my understanding of therapy is in line with how you would like to experience therapy...this blog is for you.
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