I'm not enough

The Common Thread of 'I'm Not Enough'

I’d love to present all the multitude of variations of the "I'm not enough" concept that I encounter in therapy sessions and daily life. But I’m afraid I can just give a small range. Nevertheless, I would like you to look out for the different variations you encounter, because the sooner you can identify this thought, the sooner it loses power and magic. Do you recognize any of those ideas?

●     I’m too big or small or fat or skinny

●     I’m too sensitive and weak

●     I’m not masculine/feminine enough

●     I’m not pretty enough

●     I’m not clever enough

●     I’m not caring/helping enough

●     I’m not hard-working/efficient enough

●     I’m not achieving enough

●     I’m too old/young

●     I’m not clear/discerning enough

●     I’m not independent enough

●     I’m not reasonable enough

And the list goes on and on. Some of those ideas might be very obvious to you and others show up in a hidden way. If so, your first step is to identify them. The next step is to value how these ideas seek to support you in your life.

When we’re more familiar with them (some of them are probably well-known guests that even have their private keys to your inner home), it’s time to talk to them more casually. They often make us laugh more often than not in therapy sessions!

No matter which version of “not enough” you best relate to, it matters that you keep up a friendly relationship with them. If you try to shut them out, they’re most drawn to knocking and eventually hammering at your door. Keep in mind that they stem from protecting you from further pain. So, although it may be hard to imagine at times, they have the very best intentions at heart.

As if handling them wasn’t hard enough, they do have a very clever insurance strategy in their pocket: The fear that if you drop them, exactly what they are protecting you from will happen. And the tricky moment in therapy is – they are right – for the short run. Imagine, you have the habit of overly exhausting yourself because you believe “I’m not achieving enough”. The first few weeks of containing this fear and taking care of yourself you will most likely be less productive and “achieve less”. And that’s hard to stand and to trust. But over the long run, you’re most likely to live closer to your core and have more energy for prioritizing the right things instead of getting caught up in an endless tunnel of requirements. In this way, you’re ultimately achieving more of what matters to you.

The Paradox of Intelligence: A Case of 'I'm Not Smart Enough'

As I mentioned above, what my clients with the highest IQs fear the most is not being smart enough. How can that happen? Those explanations cross my mind:

The IQ is incredibly stable over time. That means the young child has already been able to access cognitive material (e.g. books, news) that has not been accustomed to children. This situation can bring the child problems – in three ways:

• Lack of educational support:

the knowledge of the world is huge and kids can be especially easily be especially overwhelmed if they don’t get help structuring and comprehending the flood of information coming at them. One of the tasks of education is to break material down and hand it over to the child in an accessible and comprehensible way. Sadly, most educational institutions in those days were not prepared to teach children who don’t fit in the “normal” range of intelligence. This way, the child with a higher IQ can end up feeling overwhelmed and dumped when they’re handed over inappropriate studying material. As a result, the child may feel inadequate, strange, or stupid because they’re not fitting in with the tasks provided to them. From an early age, a child highly depends on the acceptance and acknowledgement of their caregivers, including teachers, and always ends up self-blaming instead of understanding the lack of teaching skills in the environment. All kids adapt to the mismatch, with more or less painful side effects and by-products (e.g. finding side activities or shutting themselves down).

• Lack of emotional support:

As we tend to say in EMDR therapy “Please go back to the situation” I described above: a young child picking up on e.g. the news or any other documentary made for adults. On a cognitive level, they may be able to capture the information. Yet, emotional development doesn’t necessarily catch up with this capacity. It’s still a child that fears a monster under the bed. What is needed in this situation is adults who are not focused solely on supporting cognitive understanding but also on containing the overwhelm and fear the child has to process. And even a 10-year-old going to high school like Sheldon Cooper has the emotional capacity of a 10-year-old. The social and emotional development is just appropriate for their age - not as differentiated and therefore they feel easily overwhelmed.

 For sure skilled caregivers and educators could help the gifted child deal with anxiety and overwhelm – just like any other child. Unfortunately, many caregivers are not aware that this gap needs to be dealt with and therefore many of those former children have to deal with anxiety issues later on.

• Expectations are even higher:

There are plenty of critical voices around cognitive diagnosing. I do not relate to them because diagnostics clarify the facts and “the facts are positive” as Carl Rogers says, but how people deal with them can be problematic. Especially in an environment of societal pressures to achieve well. In some parts of society, especially such, that provide a supportive environment on a cognitive level, there is conflict that contributes to the "not clever enough" narrative that can be quite attractive. 

Let’s go back to our situation with the child with inadequate intelligence. Let’s say parents found schools and they led to universities that could provide appropriate support on a cognitive level. For sure cognitive development shouldn’t be a problem anymore, but the level of expectations and requirements to be met rise in a hopefully fitting, but many times exponential way. In addition to certain adjustments like maybe leaving home early or moving abroad, that can be a lot. And, even for gifted students, these expectations can feel exhausting, like "it's a lot". The question “How come you’re bringing average results home?” is unfortunately well-known but shows an obvious lack of empathy and understanding of emotional development. The most obvious answer is “It comes because I’m human.”. Humans are not robots; they achieve better on some days and need rest and fun on others. It’s as simple as that. With this in mind, I’m very sceptical of areas in high-achieving society, where burnout is seen as a status symbol.

There is a scene in an episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon is trying to teach Howard in a way that makes sure he cannot succeed.     Leonard comments on Sheldon’s behaviour that he’s freaking scared that he might not be the smartest person ever. We all know Leonard is right, but how come Sheldon ties his self-worth to his cognitive capacity? I’d say growing up being labelled wherever he went as “a genius,” it was hard to be seen and valued as a whole being. For more than his IQ. An entirely whole human being longing for unconditional positive regard. Who could ever see the lovable person who’s enough?

So, it’s perfectly understandable how people with high IQs can feel inadequate and not good enough despite or because of objective evidence of high cognitive ability. An IQ of 140 tells pretty clearly that you’re an outsider in this dimension. But guess what, you’re more human than a number on some cognitive scale.

A Plea for Self-Awareness: Be Mindful of Your Surroundings

Did you read my very last sentence? You’re more than your IQ. You’re human and worthy of love and belonging, as Brené Brown put it. As adults, we’re generally capable of choosing our environments. That can be a difficult task and more soever challenging. Just by nature and for the sake of safety we tend to like what we are used to and feel uncomfortable in unfamiliar environments – even if they might be the better choice over the long run.

So, I want to encourage you to be mindful of who you surround yourself with. Do you relate to them with your head, heart and stomach? Did you ever ask your stomach for advice? There’s a whole organism guiding you to make wise choices – and trying to answer the question where do you feel "enough"?

Many times, we stick to a familiar environment even if that’s over the long run, not the best choice. The world is bigger than you think it is – in terms of relationship opportunities at least. And there are people who make you feel good enough and might understand you better than you would have ever imagined. The challenging moment is to overcome the uncomfortable feelings that arise when being faced with an unfamiliar environment.

The Power of Love: accepting you just as you are

I chose the example of the gifted person but no matter why you feel “not … enough”,     emphasizing unconditional love and acceptance is the cure. There’s an ongoing discussion about whether self or other love comes first. As a person-centred therapist, I say being loved sets the ground for self-love, and therapy is the place to learn to feel good enough. In the safe container of the therapeutic relationship, you can learn to see and accept yourself fully.  and also – that’s been neglected in many ways of upbringing – navigating and orienting in the world in a more than cognitive way.

I will expand on this topic another time but I highly value EMDR as a tool that provides a huge range of freedom for the brain to reprocess at its particular speed and way without hitting any arbitrarily set limitations or being bound to another mind's processing capacity.

Besides the work we do during the counselling session I guess it’s good to know that the "I'm not enough" mindset is not the truth. It’s simply an anxiety. Anxiety’s job is to protect you from danger. In this case, the danger of being excluded from the community. Whether or not that’s still an appropriate way to navigate the world can be questionable but feelings long for recognition and acceptance. So, it could be a good idea to check in on your anxiety, rather sooner than later, acknowledge and soothe it. Take it by the hand and bring it to therapy. Anxiety can be there and you can still know “I am enough”. Because "You are enough, just as you are, and you deserve to be seen and loved."

Conclusion

In our exploration of the pervasive notion of 'I'm not enough,' we've delved into the various facets that this belief takes on in our lives. From feeling not smart enough to being too messy or not achieving enough, these thoughts can lead us to a lonely and self-deprecating place. Recognizing these ideas is the first step in disempowering them, as they lose their hold when brought into the light.

We've uncovered the paradox of intelligence, where those with high IQs grapple with the notion of not being smart enough. The expectations placed upon them, coupled with a lack of emotional support during early cognitive development, contribute to feelings of inadequacy. It's a reminder that our worth extends beyond measurable intelligence – we are, fundamentally, human.

As we navigate these challenges, it becomes crucial to unravel the layers of our self-perception. The 'I'm not enough' mindset, in its many forms, may have been a protective mechanism against past pain or societal pressures. However, fostering a friendly relationship with these thoughts, rather than attempting to shut them out, allows us to address them more effectively.

The plea for self-awareness echoes loudly – choosing environments that align with our true selves is essential. Surrounding ourselves with people who resonate with our hearts and minds, and being mindful of our emotional responses, creates a foundation for personal growth and self-love.

In our journey towards self-acceptance, the power of love emerges as a potent force. Whether it's accepting our intelligence, appearance, or any other aspect that triggers the 'not enough' narrative, love is the antidote. The discussion on whether self-love or other love comes first may vary, but therapy serves as a space to learn to feel 'enough.' Through approaches like EMDR, we gain the freedom to reprocess thoughts at our own pace, breaking free from arbitrary limitations.

Ultimately, the 'I'm not enough' mindset is revealed as not the truth but anxiety – a protector against perceived danger. As we acknowledge and soothe this anxiety, taking it hand in hand with therapy, we can start believing in, "I am enough."

Because, indeed, "You are enough, just as you are, and you deserve to be seen and loved." Embracing this truth, we embark on a journey of self-discovery, love, and a deeper connection with our authentic selves and others.